Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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