im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
