I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
