me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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