i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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