my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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