literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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