My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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