I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
