youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
