I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
