you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
