I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
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It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
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I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
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