the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
