Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
