The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
