Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
