Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
