The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
