That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
