there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
