I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
