I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
