Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
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