i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
