even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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