my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
