Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
