What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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