shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
