So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
