he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
