He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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