just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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