got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
