Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
home. puking in laundry basket.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
