You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
