All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
