Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
