I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I need to calm my uterus...
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
