Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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