if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
