I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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