i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
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