remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
