Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
