you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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