i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
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I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
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My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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