I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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