I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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