the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
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