I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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