Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
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I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
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I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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