There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
