Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
