i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
